So it begins - almost ...

• Current Weight:  178.5lb / 81kg
• Mood:  Optimistic but extremely tired - running on adrenaline right now

I've read that with both emotional issues and weight-loss it's helpful to chart and diarise your progress in an attempt to motivate yourself etc etc.  I suppose that's what this blog is all about.

Listen, I'm no stranger to weight loss and gain.  My weight is a massive issue to me and has been since my late teens.  I don't make too much of a big deal about it to my friends etc but it's actually a subject I'm very touchy about.  You see, I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly on a diet and my father was constantly buying biscuits and cakes and bringing me home chocolate from work in his suitcase.  Food is an issue for me.

Me & My Ex, December 2004 at my lowest 10st 2lb

I'm not hideously obese.  I've never let it get that far.  Technically if you follow the BMI index I'm obese but I know my friends would disagree and just say I'm a little overweight.  My weight has gone up and down for about 10 years now.  My first 'real' attempt to lose weight was shortly after my engagement and the lead up to my wedding where I lost almost 2 stone (that's just under 13kg).  I continued to stick to plan after my wedding for about 8 months and in Christmas 2004 reached my lowest recorded weight of 10st 2lb (64.4kg) - I felt and looked great.

Since then my weight has fluctuated greatly.  After the birth of my son in 2006 I suffered quite badly from post-natal depression.  I was stuck at home in an area with poor transport links without a car and living in an area where I had no family and very few friends.  The first six months were terrible for me and just to get out of the house I'd walk the 10mins or so to the shop to buy chips and chocolate.  I ballooned and in December 2006 was forced to buy a UK size 18 jeans because I needed something to wear that fit me for the christmas vacation.  I was absolutely mortified - only two years earlier I was at my lightest in a Size 10 and here I was two years later almost 42lbs/19kg  heavier.  Photographs do exist but I don't have them.  They break my heart.  As I progress on my latest journey I may contact my friend who keeps them and share them with you but I just can't believe I let it get that bad.

Well I managed to lose most of it again - was voted 'Woman of the Year' in my 'Fat Club' and shortly thereafter moved to Australia with my husband and son.  Since then my weight has been a constant battle with emotional eating.  My husband and I were experiencing a lot of problems in the marriage, I was missing my family desperately and I had a new baby girl to contend with.

Eight months ago my husband and I finally seperated.  I miss him desperately but for reasons I'm not going to expand on at this point I will never go back - nor, I don't think would he ever want me back.  Since our break up our relationship has been very tense at times particularly the past couple of months with various issues causing me extreme stress and the result of this is me stuffing my face at every given opportunity.  I still weigh myself religiously and at one point managed to put on 8kg in only two weeks. 

I also have a condition where stress seems to causes a significant increase in my cholesterol levels.  I've been tested periodically over the past few years.  My first test came in with my total level at 7.2.  After three months of intensive low-cholesterol dieting my test came back at 7.7!!!  I have recently been re-tested and my levels are at 6.9 which is still quite elevated.  My doctor's response "lose some weight" - as if I haven't been trying.  I predict I have attempted to start a diet about five times over the past few months and fail within one or two days or until something else happens with the ex to upset me and rock the diet-boat.

This time I'm serious.  I've had some success with the Celebrity Slim shake diet in the past.  It taught me how to control my carb intake so eventually I was able to go shake-free and still keep to the plan but eating real food.  I'm giving it another go but this time I'm starting with the rapid phase and fat burner tablets.  I plan to start this on Monday 17th.

I also started taking fish oil and multivitimin supplements on Wednesday and yesterday I started a new, different course of anti-depressants but I'll expand on this some other time.

In the meantime I'm going to use this blog to chart my success (or not) and general day-to-day emotional well-being etc. 

I hope my journey isn't too depressing and that I can stay positive in an attempt to perhaps influence some of you out there to make the change.  Perhaps you could support me to.  Here's to the future, here's to change.